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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The best laid plans of mice and men...

It was to be our last Weekend in DC.  The movers came to the apartment and packed most of what belongings we had here into boxes and took them away.  Hopefully we would see them soon in Frankfurt.  Bob finished up the last of his training and I'd been getting the last of the administrative tasks and doctor/dentist appointments taken care of... a slight snag, I got a call after my annual mammogram to come back in so that they could take another look.  I couldn't get in until the Thursday before we were to leave on Tuesday.  This was nothing to worry about.  I'd been called back before and it was nothing.  But I had to do it just like dental work.   It would feel good to get all of this stuff out of the way.  Ok.  The mammo call back had me a little freaked out but there was no sense in expecting the worst. Positive thinking is the only way to get through in the face of something scary like that.

Bob went with me to the call back which was a mammogram and an Ultrasound.  Women over 40 really must get a mammogram once a year and we're all pretty glad that it's not more frequent.  It's not the worst thing I've been through but it's not exactly pleasant and I wasn't very happy having to do it twice in a month.  The ultrasound wasn't bad though, sort of like a breast massage!  My very competent radiologist, Dr. Lu, spent a lot of time looking and looking.  At the end of the appointment she said that she thought everything was fine.  Yay!  We left and went out to dinner.  I had forgotten my phone so it was a fairly quiet, very pleasant evening.  Not that I get a ton of calls but someone inevitably calls during dinner.  When we got home there were two messages on my cell phone.  "This is Dr. Lu.  You just left my office and I think I want you to come back if you can turn around.  I just want to have one more look."  then "It's Dr. Lu again.  Call me."  Oh crap!  I called her on her home phone number which she had left:  "I was looking at your scans again as I was dictating and I'd like you to get a biopsy on this little spot.  I really can't decide if it has more to it than it did on your last mammo."  We had told her about the up coming trip so she called her office and got an appointment for me the next day at noon.  Needle biopsy.  That sounds kind of awful and serious.  But really, it would be nothing.  We just have to make sure it's nothing before we go off on our big adventure in Europe.  I was a little sore when it was over but at least it was over.  Unfortunately we wouldn't get the results until Monday or Tuesday!  The day we were to leave!  The Doctor was great and put a rush on the order.  Bob and I had a wonderful weekend.  All of our stuff was gone and all of our training was over with.  We acted like tourists all weekend.  I refused to let this little scare put a damper on our imminent departure.  I decided to write a blog about what had been up since my last blog but I wouldn't write about the abnormal mammogram.  It was going to end up being nothing and no one would be the wiser.

Monday morning I went to the dentist as planned and then met Bob at the Newseum in DC.  If you ever have the chance you really must go.  It was moving and interesting.  If you like 3-D movies, there's a great one there about the impact of the news on our history.  It was a great day and we were both in a great mood coming home.  "I'm not worried about the biopsy." I said.  "What are the chances of your mother and your wife being diagnosed with breast cancer in one year?  That wouldn't happen!"  Bob said that he felt the same.  That wouldn't happen to us.  4:00 pm on our way home Dr. Pulosky called on my cell phone.  "Do you have a minute to talk?" She asked.  "Sure." I said settling down on a bench in the mall attached to our apartment building.  She started to talk and I could feel her circling what she was going to have to say:  "I'm afraid it's not good news."  After that she talked and I listened but I still don't really know what she said.  "What did she say?" Asked Bob who was waiting on the bench next to me.  "I have Breast Cancer."  I said.  My first thought upon hearing my voice echo in my head was, "I might die from this." We were in the middle of this stupid underground mall and I had breast Cancer.  I started to cry.  Not the kind of crying that feels good to let it out and you will feel better when you're done, but a panicked "I don't know what to do to make it better.  I always know how to make things better and I don't have the equipment to make this better!" kind of cry.  I couldn't breath right.  I don't really remember walking back to the apartment except that we ran into our sweet neighbor, Tim, coming out of his apartment to walk is dog.  He saw I was crying but I wasn't ready to tell anyone yet; to say it out loud again.  I was trying to pretend I was OK.  Bob saved me and told him that we had just received troubling family news.  I'm sorry I didn't say proper goodbyes to someone who had been a good neighbor.

When we got into the apartment, and I couldn't recount what the doctor had said, Bob called her back and got the details. It was small, 5 mm. It is a ductal carcinoma and it is invasive.  I should get in touch with a breast surgeon and an oncologist.  She could recommend some great Doctors that she works with and she was sure that there would be great Cancer care in Germany if we decided to continue on our trip.

"Denial is a great place to be." my friend Jo said.  "I'm still in denial and I'm over a year post cancer treatment."  I was in denial to a point when I got the phone call about the call back mammography, but not so much that I hadn't thought about and mentioned the "What if."  I had told Bob that if, God forbid, I had Cancer, I would go back to New Mexico for treatment so that I would have the support of our family and friends.  If we went ahead to Germany, I would be alone a lot as he would be at work and I really didn't want to be alone with this. I also wanted to make sure that language wasn't an issue for me.  I felt that dealing with Cancer in english would be challenging enough.  It took Bob a few minutes to realize that that was about to be our reality.  I wasn't going to Germany.  I didn't really have to think about it because I had thought about it already when my head was clear and when I wasn't paralyzed with fear.  The next big decision was, what was Bob to do?  Should he come home with me? Would his job be in jeopardy if he did? Should he go to Germany?  Would we wish that he had come with me if he did? We finally decided to wait until morning and call the State Department and let them know what was going on.  Our flight wasn't until 4:00 pm the next day and that would give us plenty of time to figure out what to do.  That gave us an opportunity to call our parents and my kids.  It's hard for me to write about it.  It was so difficult.  Each person had a different reaction.  Everyone was shocked of course but one cried, one got really quiet and a couple of them asked a lot of questions.  The big unasked question: What does this mean and are you going to die.  I told them all, "I'm not going to die!" Next I wrote an email to all of the friends and family members who's addresses I had telling them.  It didn't take me long to realize that if I didn't get it all written down and sent out that I would have to tell the same story over and over and relive it a little each time.  I wanted support so I really wanted everyone to know.

In keeping with our great impression of the Foreign Service, Bob's employers were stellar in their response to our situation:  Of course Bob should take all the time he needed to be with me and fly back to New Mexico.  There would be not problem with him coming to his job later. They also let us know that they would have med-evacuated me home for treatment so going to Germany for treatment really wasn't an option.  After thinking about how things would be in New Mexico with me and doctors visits and what Bob would be doing there, I decided that it would be better for Bob to go to Germany, get settled and if and when big scary things started to happen, he would fly home.  I knew that there would be a lot of time with nothing to do with regard to my cancer and we would spend that time wishing he was at work.  We both took the van ride to the airport that we had arranged but we said goodbye at Bob's gate.  As we hugged and kissed goodbye, the sadness of how our great adventure together was being hijacked by this Cancer overcame both of us and we sobbed.  He boarded his plane to NY to be followed by a flight to Frankfurt.  I waited another hour for my flight to Albuquerque.  By the end of the day I was in the loving embrace of my family in Corrales.

The next morning the phone started to ring.  The outpouring of love and support from my friends and family was amazing.  I am really touched and feel lucky.  Since we now have friends working in embassies and consulates all over the world I am being included in peoples prayers around the globe. I feel the love and it makes me strong.  I couldn't believe how many people could give me advice from first hand experience.  It wasn't long before I had a doctor lined up and a series of appointments made.  I got in with Dr. McAneny, oncologist, and her amazing group at the Cancer Center of New Mexico.  She recommended Dr. Smith for Breast surgery and her office is incredible as well.  I've been poked and prodded, scanned and examined.  I now know more about what's going on in my body than I ever thought I would.  With no stone left unturned I'm set for the next step: Surgery.

I am typing this blog on the eve of my surgery.  Until they actually do the surgery and send tissue samples to the pathology lab, we won't know what comes next.  At this point we know that I'll have a lumpectomy.  This will surely be followed by radiation and there is a chance of Chemotherapy. (It sounds like a weather report.)  If things go well, it will be nothing more than a bad storm.

6 comments:

  1. Joan, best of luck to you with your surgery. By the time you read this, it will be over... hopefully the storm will have past... prayers, good thoughts and hugs to you and Bob... - Nena

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  2. Joan, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Best of luck to you and Bob. -Mandy Gunton

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  3. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know if you need anything!!! Whitney Foltz

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  4. Joan, Your writing reflects clear thinking and a great attitude regarding the breast cancer. Brandy and I remain on your team, and we wait to hear of your progress. Bill

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  5. Joan, thanks for sharing. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  6. Joan,
    Your blog posting was moving, well written and filled with your beautiful and fierce energy. This April will be 14 years a a cancer survivor for me. I know how hard it is right now. But, there is a light at the end of the surreal tunnel. Yes, I will pray for you each day, but you and I both know this will pass just like you pass me in that stinkin pool. Much love, Suzanne

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