I will bloom where I'm planted.

I recently took a class at the Foreign Service Institute which dealt with some of the issues that foreign service spouses (EFMs) have to face.  One of the most memorable quotes I heard was from an EFM who's husband had been in the Foreign Service for over twenty years.  When asked how she dealt with moving to a different country every two to three years, she said, "I bloom where I'm planted."  I've been thinking a lot about "Home".  I began my first blog post talking about my house in Corrales and leaving home.  Then a wrote about our "home for now" which was our apartment in Arlington.  When I was diagnosed with cancer I wanted to go "Home" to New Mexico for treatment... and I did.  Bob went on to Germany to set up our apartment.  I am staying with my Mom and Dad in the house that I grew up in.  I'm sleeping in the room that was mine as a teenager.  The funny thing is that I don't feel like I'm at home.  Why wouldn't I feel at home in my own childhood home?  Last week I drove up to Durango to visit my daughter, Tasha, and her boy friend, Thomas.  I had a wonderful time there and it was so great to luxuriate in Tasha's company and I was very comfortable in their new house but I didn't feel at home there either.  While both my parents home and my daughters home are filled with people whom I love, those are not places where I feel "planted".  I was feeling a little low one day recently and said as much to my Mom.  "What's on your mind?" she asked.  "I want to go Home." I responded.  What!?  What I meant was that I want to go to Germany!  My home is a location where I've never been before.  In Frankfurt, Germany, in an apartment of which I've only seen photos and one Skype tour, there is my home waiting for me.  I will be at home when I get there because there, with Bob, I will be planted.

Breast Cancer:
I haven't yet called myself a cancer survivor. I was only diagnosed less than a month ago and the cancer has already been surgically removed from my body. I haven't said that I'm cancer free. I have yet to go through radiation treatment to make sure that any cancer cells that might be left over from the tumor will be eradicated and that tumor won't regrow. I am now in another statistical category. I've had cancer so my chances of getting a new cancer are higher than those who have never had cancer. I'll do a five year oral med treatment to search and destroy any cancer cells lurking in my body. I'll be as vigilant as ever with my mammograms but now they will seem less than routine and more anxiety provoking. I've heard that cancer changes some people forever. I guess I can see that. The diagnosis certainly was a jolt. I peered at my own mortality in a way that I never have before. But I don't want the changes in me to be that I am now all about being a survivor. I am not Breast Cancer. I never felt sick. The surgery was akin to serious dental work. I'm very, very lucky that my treatment, when it's all done, will have been so easy to "survive" that the word "survive" really shouldn't be used. The changes in me are more about a shift in priorities and living in the moment. It is time to change "one day" into "today". You never know what is going to come along and totally change the course of your life and what you intended to do one day is no longer possible.

I've always been able to find the bright side of almost any situation. Something really wonderful that has come out of the timing of my cancer diagnosis is that I have been able to come to live with my Mom and Dad for several weeks. This was a gift of time in their company that none of us would have planned but all of us really wanted. I was also able to go visit Tasha and Thomas in their new house. I wouldn't have been able to do that until I don't know when. I now have absolutely no reservations about leaving New Mexico and going to Germany. Before this time in New Mexico I was anxious about going but now I just can't wait to go.

The good news:
I visited my oncologist on Monday. She came into the exam room grinning and said, "I love it when I get to deliver good news." My pathology reports from the surgery show that they got clean margins around the cancer and that the lymph nodes were cancer free. We talked about what she recommends for treatment; Full breast radiation, follow up medication; Tamoxofin and me going to Germany for treatment. She fully supports me going and says that I should be able to get top notch treatment there. She would fax my records off by the end of the day to all of the appropriate people so that I can be approved to join Bob. I will leave on this coming Friday and arrive Saturday morning, hopefully after a good night sleep on the plane. I still have some challenges ahead regarding cancer but it feels like the worst of it is behind me. I am very grateful to be so lucky and so very happy to be going home.