Search This Blog

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Bring on the Full Moon



There is a place in Aspen we visit every year called the John Denver Sanctuary.  It is a beautiful garden right on the Roaring Fork River with a marshy riparian area, flower beds and huge boulders that occur naturally there. Quotes from thoughtful people have been inscribed in some of these boulders. There are places to sit and contemplate and watch the water which I do each time I come to visit.  Today while doing so I came to realize that I have a survival habit of staying too busy to become overwhelmed by my emotions. This, as I said, is for survival and serves the purpose of keeping me functioning and taking care of my responsibilities.  Unfortunately, it has become ingrained and is preventing me from really feeling.  Having lost my brother three years ago and my father this past May, and two beloved old dogs this summer, I was quite disconcerted to realize that I was feeling… well, not much.  I was feeling badly remembering their illnesses, their decline,and death. But I wasn’t feeling what I expected.  I thought I would feel a profound loss and sadness.  Instead, I couldn’t shake the last memories that I had of them.  I couldn’t get to the point of just missing them in my life as they were before illness and death stole them away from me. I felt like my tears were dammed up behind the lump in my throat.  I wanted them to pour out of me and express my feelings that are buried in the knot in my belly.


My friend Deborah posted an article on Facebook saying that the coming full blood eclipsed moon would have many of us overwhelmed by emotions.  I wrote, “Good grief!  This, I don’t need!”  Several people agreed with me.  Today, however, I changed my mind.  I think I do need just that!  I need to be overwhelmed by my emotions.  I think I need to sit in contemplation, with no distractions from my sorrow, my anger, my loss and my love.  I think I need to dive in and swim in those emotions until I am so intimately familiar with them again and that I can sit with them in quiet comfort, like with an old friend. I need to get past the death of my Dad and brother to the lives that came before their illnesses and simply miss them.  

Today I did that a little bit.  I had no distractions and I remembered my Dad as he was before and I missed him and cried.  It wasn't the flood but it was a start.  Come on full moon,  bring it on!

No comments:

Post a Comment